The Moon Hoax

Reader Mail — Reading Comprehension

First off, yeah, I know I haven’t posted in quite some time. Life has been busy. Wonderfully, wonderfully busy. I’ll get back to this part of life in a real way within the next week.

Now, onto a bit of reader mail that came in yesterday. It comes from Lila G. (or Icy, I guess), who needs to work on her reading comprehension skills a bit (a good bit). Here’s what Lila writes:

Hello, I was reading one of your archives (about American Idol)

and you said (and I quote) “big, fat, black Ruben”, I was wondering if you had anything against black people…and also do you have something against big people with extremely good voices and talent? That’s it. Thanks

-Icy

Um, no, Lila, that isn’t what I meant at all. That isn’t it at all. (It’s an Eliot thing. You wouldn’t understand.) I don’t have anything against black people or big people with good voices and talent. In fact, quite the opposite, as those who are able to read and understand can see for yourselves.

Stay in school, Icy. You’ve got work to do yet.

Here’s a nice little sendup from the St. Paul Pioneer Press of one of the world’s most annoying varieties of self-important, self-satisfied jackass: the guy who brags about how he doesn’t watch TV.

I’ve got nothing against people who don’t watch TV. In fact, I wish I watched a bit less of it. But I have no patience for the kind of person who feels like he’s got to tell you about how he doesn’t watch, how he’s better than you for not watching, and how TV is bad for you. I’ve even less use for those folks who go around telling people about how they don’t even own a TV. (Again, no problem with not owning a TV, it’s just the bragging about it that goes up my ass.)

Look, folks, you’re not proving anything to anyone except that you’re a pretentious fuck. And no one likes a pretentious fuck except, of course, for other pretentious fucks. Plus, just so you know, the other pretentious fucks don’t really like you either. They make fun of you behind your back (thinks he’s smarter than he is; doesn’t really understand Joyce; made an allusion to Regan when he really meant Goneril; ha, ha, ha, what a ninny; that sort of thing). I know this because I’ve been nearby when it happened. I was the guy at the next table engaged in a conversation about football or Three’s Company, the guy you and your pretentious pals all rolled your eyes at (even though I knew you meant Goneril, too, but I was keeping my mouth shut). I was listening to your conversation far more closely than you were listening to mine. Then you left to go to that reading by that poet no one else thinks is any good (yes, I know your pals all told you they had tickets to the symphony that night, but they were lying) and they sat there for a while and sniped at you behind their backs (because they’re as cowardly as you are). So I know what the other pseudo-intellectuals really think of you. It isn’t what you like to think. And it certainly isn’t pretty.

Anyhow, this guy Matt Peiken isn’t the greatest writer who ever lived or anything, but he does a nice job of subtly sticking it to a group of people who deserve to have it stuck to them. My favorite bit is where he has the purse snatcher run past him as he watches rather than acting like a decent person and doing something. Nice little dig.

p.s. To all you “I only watch PBS” types: Everyone knows you’re full of shit. Just thought you’d like to know.

Massively busy day yesterday, which is why I never got around to posting this week’s story links. Now I’m gonna set that right. Two pieces. Bombpop, which is about the fine new Quasi record Hot Shit, and a Journal News feature on quiet indie rock.

So my other fantasy football team, the Florence Moon Men, has been drafted. This time the draft was automated, done by computer based on a preference order I set up in advance. It’s a little less exact a science than a live draft, and in this league the teams go 20 deep (including defensive players) so I’m not entirely pleased with the way things worked out. But I still feel like I’ve got a pretty strong team. I’m not gonna get into the detail I did for the Sasquidgets, mostly for two reasons: 1.) I can’t explain the thinking behind my picks here since the computer did the picking for me; 2.) I’m not excited about some of the players I got, so why say anything; 3.) I’ve got a good number of the same players, so why say the same stuff again and 4.) 20 players is a lot. Here, though, are some of the highlights. This time I’ll go by position.

Quarterback
I got Gannon here, too, which makes me very happy. Not only does he QB for my real team, the Raiders, but he’s a fantasy monster. So there’s that. Backing him up is Jake Plummer, who, as mentioned, I believe could reach his full potential in Denver. He’s got targets. He’s got a line. He’s got support out of the backfield. If he can’t make it work with the Broncos, he just hasn’t got the stuff. I hope he’s got the stuff.

Running Back
I got Ricky Williams. Must have been with my first round pick. Couldn’t be happier about that. Got my boy Charlie Garner. And Zack Crocket. And Garrison Hearst. Would have liked to have one more sure performer, but I can’t say I’m heartbroken.

Wide Receiver
Jerry Porter, Plaxico Burress, Jerry Rice, Tim Brown, and a couple of other guys I’m not that interested in keeping and who’ll probably end up on waivers as soon as I find someone to waive them for. Can’t even begin to complain about the guys I’ve named, though. Weird that I ended up with all three Raiders receivers. I’ll only start one a week. Hope I get the right one.

Tight End
Rickey Dudley. He’s one of those guys who can catch passes, but doesn’t. I’d rather have a bunch of other guys, frankly. And I bet I end up making a change here at some point. But who knows? Maybe if Brad Johnson really does come into his own in the Gruden system this season, Rickey will start to get some catches the way he did for a little while there in Oakland.

Kicker
David Akers backed up by Martin Gramatica. I’m all set here. Won’t have a damned thing to complain about all season, unless it’s that the guy I started got less points than the one riding the pine. Either way, though, I’m gonna get me some points off my kickers.

Defense
Look I got some talented guys: Jevon Kearse, Mike Vrabel and Marcus Jones. But it ain’t what I wanted. Wanted Philip Buchanan, Kendrell Bell and Jerry Porter. But if I’ve learned anything about fantasy football it’s that defenses can be built off waivers. I’ll ID a pickoff specialist somewhere in the league and grab him. A sack specialist likewise. And my D will do what I need it to — eventually.

One more thing: Run, Ricky, Run.